Festival Survival

1. Firstly, when packing your bags, bear in mind that a tent is no more than a pathetically thin piece of canvas. It will inevitably be cold. Take something warm unless you want to sleep with sixteen layers of clothes on. And unless you have an incredibly cold/ugly partner, you won’t want to do this. Unfortunately, despite my written suggestions, Eurohike still haven’t invented the Brick Tent ©, with bed, and central heating. Maybe next year eh?
















2. Secondly, when packing your bags, bear in mind that a tent is a thin piece of canvas that will inevitably leave you dripping with sweat come the morning. Unfortunately Eurohike still haven’t invented the Brick Tent © with air conditioning and sunroof. I guess the point here is to buy a Refreshing Sprite as soon as you wake up.

3. It is a seriously good idea to have a few cans of beer before you leave the campsite. This won’t stop you spending £30 on beer when you’re in there. It will however, mean that your hangover will have kicked in, and gone again by about 10.30pm. You don’t have to be a student to realise the benefits of drinking yourself sober.

4. Ok. Look at the ground. You see those orange worm-like creatures wriggling around? Disgusting looking aren’t they? But they smell soooo good. Yes, well that’s because they are actually Chinese flavoured noodles from the food stall. ‘But why is the ground swarming with these delicious smelling noodles?’ you may ask. That’s because they are glorified Pot Noodles, with all the flavour of a piece of recycled newspaper. ‘So why do people keep buying them if they’re so disgusting?’ you may or may not ask. I DON’T KNOW! THE FOOLS! That is my whole point. Some people will never learn.

5. Remember the time you accidentally p*ssed on your shoe? Or that time you were sick, but missed the toilet, leaving a trail across the floor? Or what about that time your poo didn’t flush away properly. Do you remember? Good, now multiply those mishaps with a few thousand other peoples, and you have ultimate festival toilet experience.

6. I know it’s a cliché, but festival hats are just not funny. So at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I suggest you do not buy one. Even if the seller is offering you a free ‘herbal high.’

7. Which leads me neatly onto drugs. If you want to spend a load of money on a festival ticket, only to take something that will effectively result in you forgetting the whole weekend, then fine. But remember that no one else wants to give you a hug, or money. And you’ll end up doing something you regret. (Which reminds me of an experience at V2004, where my girlfriend and I were scientifically experimenting with the remnants of a pint of cider, and a pint of beer, You know, where you make a concoction of crap and try it? Well a man approached us, who was clearly on something, and said something that resembled ‘I can’t be bothered to queue at the bar, can I buy your pint off you?’ Without even asking what it was, he handed over a five-pound note. See, drugs are bad. )

Well, I'll add more when I think of them.
James